A Weekend of Deep Thoughts...

How thinking about McDonalds made me break down in tears (earlier in the week)... and something I need to work on.

On my drive downtown this morning, as I was listening to the girls sing along to “when I am afraid I will trust in you” with Steve Green in the backseat, I was thinking: “Boy I wish I would've made a pot of coffee this morning, maybe I'll stop at McD's for a frappe on the way home!” (I know, I know, not super healthy but hey, we all have our weaknesses).

Now, I don't drive to downtown very often, usually the times when I do, it's to go to a doctor's appointment, or the hospital to visit someone. Being downtown and thinking of McDonalds made me think of the last time I ate at the downtown McDonalds (you know, the one right by the hospital, with terribly slow service).

Thinking about that last time made me look in the rear-view mirror and realize that Amelia was still inside me during that time, she'll be 4 in November. Life has changed so much since that fall of 2008. Back then I was working full time, Tim was on first shift, we lived in an apartment, and had no children. But that's not really what this post is about.

*****

I remember my phone ringing at the crack of dawn one morning in September, I remember calling my boss and telling her I would NOT be coming in to work that day. I remember putting on my maternity jeans, my favorite blue and white striped button up shirt with the tie in the back, tying my hair into a ponytail and grabbing a granola bar and my keys before running to my car.

Maybe it's the fact that fall is just around the corner, maybe it's the fact that I am once again hugely pregnant, or perhaps it's just that this is something I still really struggle with that God is hitting me with this right now.

My siblings and I, along with my mom and dad had gone out the night before to celebrate my mom's birthday (to this day I cannot hear the name of the restaurant without getting nervous). After dinner we all went out for ice cream at a local place. We should have been tipped off by the fact that my dad didn't eat any ice cream (if you know him at all, you know he can't turn down a good mint chocolate chip!).

When I went to bed that night I set my phone on our nightstand, which wasn't a regular occurrence for me. Lo and behold had it not been there, I wouldn't have heard it ring when my mom called to tell me that dad was in the hospital.

I don't remember much of the drive to the hospital that morning, I remember trying not to cry so that I could drive safely, it was raining and everyone was driving so slowly. I remember thinking “this cannot be happening, we were all together last night, our first baby is due in a month, he's young, what is going on God?”

I entered the hospital through the emergency entrance, trying to control my tears and was asked if I needed a wheelchair and how far apart my contractions were... the Lord provided comic relief when I needed it most!

*****

This is the part of the car ride when Amelia asks me “mommy, why are you crying” to which I can't even pull an answer out of my brain for her. That snapped me back to reality and I realized “how did my thoughts take me here, this is NOT what I want to be thinking about.”

Wow, all I wanted was a cup of coffee and now I'm crying my eyes out over something that happened 4 years ago. You see, what I haven't really mentioned is that even though all this happened 4 years ago (see blog post here), many days it still feels like yesterday.The fear I felt that morning still finds a way to take over my thoughts somehow.

Thinking about the brevity of life is something that I struggle with.  Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world, and death is all around us. None of us know when our last breath will come, we don't know what kind of news a phone call will bring or when a loved one will be taken from us.  However we DO KNOW that we serve a good God and I know that I can rest assured that He knows what He's doing. 

So like the song my girls were singing goes, "when I am afraid I will trust in You," when the fear closes in on me and I can't sleep at night because I'm just waiting for something bad to happen, I will CHOOSE to trust HIM.  I will make a conscious effort to place my trust in HIM and HIS plan.